Living with Regrets

By Dan Wilson

“If only I had . . . .”

  Raise your hand if you have never completed that sentence.  I didn’t think so.  Not one of you raised your hand.  Not that I can see you, of course, but I’ve been around long enough to know that no one travels very far through life without experiencing regrets.  Sometimes they are things we’ve done and other times things we failed to do. . . .  I didn’t raise my hand either, by the way.

For me it was college.  Rather than being a time of adventure and discovery, of hope and preparation for the future, college was a time in my life of chaos and confusion.  If only I had attended a smaller college rather than a large university, I’ve often thought.  Perhaps a smaller environment would have provided clearer vision and greater focus.  If only I could do it over again.  Then again, what if I had?  What if I had attended a different school, how would I have met my lovely wife who produced our two wonderful sons who married our beautiful daughters-in-law who will soon bear our first two grandchildren?  If I had done it differently, how would I have this awesome life I have today?

“Make the most of your regrets,” advised Henry David Thoreau.  But how, we ask ourselves?  Regrets are consequences that occur from our failures and mistakes, from making the wrong choices when we’ve encountered forks in the road.  But even those wrong paths we choose may be paved with blessings, sometimes enormous ones, if we will recognize them.  It is in recognizing those blessings and expanding upon them that we make the most of our regrets.

“If only I had . . . .” is a common remark we all make from time to time.  It’s our way of imagining what might have been had we chosen a different path.  But let us not forget that regrets can only be redeemed in what we did with the choices we made, not the ones we didn’t. 

Love Yourself

Stop All Criticism - Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.

Don't Scare Yourself - Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. It's a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure (mine is yellow roses), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought.

Be Gentle And Kind And Patient - Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself as you learn the new ways of thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you really loved.

Be Kind To Your Mind - Self hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Don't hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change your thoughts.

Praise Yourself - Criticism breaks down the inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing.

Support Yourself - Find ways to support yourself. Reach out to friends and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it.

Be Loving To Your Negatives - Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need. Now, you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs. So, lovingly release the old negative patterns.

Take Care Of Your Body - Learn about nutrition. What kind of fuel does your body need to have optimum energy and vitality? Learn about exercise. What kind of exercise can you enjoy? Cherish and revere the temple you live in.

Mirror Work - Look into your eyes often. Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself. Forgive yourself looking into the mirror. Talk to your parents looking into the mirror. Forgive them too. At least once a day say: "I love you, I really love you."

Love Yourself .. Do It Now - Don't wait until you get well, or lose the weight , or get the new job, or the new relationship. Begin now - and do the best you can.

 

~ Louise Hay
 

Sustain your good image with Pausitiveness

For a sustained good image, master emotional self-control. "Those who command themselves," goes an old saying, "command others." That is true, and it means being disciplined enough to put your personal feelings on hold even when tempted to blow your stack.

If you otherwise make a great first impression, yet allow yourself to be pushed over the edge to rant and rave and to say and do things that you later regret, that is the "you" that will be remembered. Your hard-won image of positiveness or enthusiasm can be shattered in an instant. It will take much damage control to undo even one such outburst.

One executive, whom I'll call Harry, seeks to project himself as fair, sensitive, highly knowledgeable, a good listener, and, above all, tranquil under fire. However, his volcanic temper is never far from exploding. Moreover, when it does erupt in an outpouring of vitriol, no one is safe. After his emotional eruptions, no one looks him squarely in the eye for quite some time as he tries to resume his role as good ol' Harry, the wise, imperturbable leader.

What Harry needs is what I call pausitiveness: the ability to pause and refrain from giving immediate feedback. Many an argument can be avoided if one side refuses to be defensive. That is because feedback, while generally a good idea, can be like throwing gasoline on a fire if you misunderstand the intent of the other person's message.

Another example: I once was at the home of some friends and was chatting with the wife when her husband, who was running a little late, burst into the room in an apparent huff. Pointing at his shirt collar, he demanded loudly, harshly, "Where did you get this shirt cleaned?" Many spouses, fearing a rebuke, might have counterattacked. However, this woman, in a calm voice without disturbing body language, just named the dry cleaner and said evenly, "Why do you ask?" The husband said it was the first time any cleaner had done his shirt properly and he would like all his shirts done there from now on.

Therefore, clearly, there are times when it is best just to pause, bite your tongue, and restrain your body language and gestures in the face of an implied threat or criticism until the smoke has cleared. Maybe, as it sometimes turns out, there is no crisis at all, or perhaps you wrongly inferred that the other person was being critical. In any event, by remaining calm, you may defuse the situation and, at the very worst, you will not aggravate it.

Remember: People will always believe that what you say in your worst moments is closer to your true beliefs than what you more carefully tailor for their consumption in calmer times.

 

~Tony Alessandra

Problems vs. Opportunities

By Zig Ziglar

 

Be grateful for your problems.  We all frequently deal with people who complain about the trials and tribulations of their daily lives.  Life seems to be one big problem for them.  I would like to take a common-sense, realistic approach and address this mind-set.  If there were no "problems" on your job, then your employer would hire a much less capable person than you to do the routine things that don't require much thought.  In the business world, those who are able to solve complex problems are the ones who have the most value to the employer.

Many times the problems or challenges we face force us to grow and become more capable.  The runner who trains for the mile run in the Olympics by running downhill will have no chance of winning the medal.  The runner who trains by running uphill is far more likely to develop the speed, mental toughness and endurance which it takes to win the medal. 

The best thing that ever happened to boxer Gene Tunney was that he broke both of his hands in the ring.  His manager felt that he could never again punch hard enough to be the heavyweight champion.  Instead, Tunney decided that he would become a scientific boxer and win the title as a boxer, not a slugger.  Boxing historians will tell you that he developed into one of the best boxers who ever fought.  They also will tell you that as a puncher, he would not have had a chance against Jack Dempsey, who was considered by many to be the hardest hitter in heavyweight history.  Tunney would never have been champion had he not had the problem of his broken hands.  Message: The next time you encounter a difficult climb, obstacle, "problem," you should smile and say, "Here's my chance to grow."  Develop that kind of an attitude and I will SEE YOU AT THE TOP! 

 

Zinger

By Croft M. Pentz

"You are a true winner if you only challenge and compete against yourself."

 

One of the hardest things to take is one of the easiest things to give - criticism.
 
If you must criticize, try criticizing the fault instead of the person.
 
Don't mind criticism.  If it is untrue - disregard it; if it is unfair - don't let it irritate you; if it is ignorant - smile; if it is justified - learn from it.

The harshest criticism, if cushioned with kindness and enthusiasm, becomes bearable and helpful.
 
Nothing quiets criticism like involvement.

=================================================================

You cannot hold down a man without staying down with him.

People always emphasize the negative - no one puts up a sign: Beware-nice dog.
 
Medicine and advice are two things more pleasant to give than to receive.
 
To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves.
 
To find fault is easy - to do better is difficult.

One can tell how much of Christ a person has by the courtesy he reveals.

 

The test of good manners is being able to put up pleasantly with the bad ones.

Life may be short, but there is always time for courtesy.

People who try to whittle you down are only trying to reduce you to their size.

If you enjoy honey, don't kick over the beehive.

We may disagree, but let's not be disagreeable.

Some feel courtesy is a man offering his seat to a woman after he gets off the bus.

A little oil of courtesy will save a lot of friction.

Courtesy should be in the curriculum of every Christian.

Some people need solitary refinement.

 

 

Other People's Opinions

"Favor and disgrace are equally problematic.

Favor lifts you up; disgrace knocks you down.

Either one depends on the opinions of others,

and causes you to depart from your center."

- - Tao Te Ching

 

I'm always amazed at how much real wisdom was

known and written a long time ago. We get so

involved in the newest technology and scientific

discoveries that we tend to think that our generation

must be really smart compared to those poor

ignorant souls of the past.

 

Well, being smart and being wise are two very

different things! There's a reason why many ancient

teachings are called "wisdom traditions" and not

"smart traditions." In my experience, smart can get

you into a lot of trouble, wisdom can keep you out.

 

The quotation from the Tao Te Ching that I have

above is over 2,600 years old, but its wisdom is timeless.

One way in which we can have a very emotionally

upsetting life is to allow our self to depend on others

for our self esteem.

 

I think that we all know that we can't let the negative

comments of others get to us. We learn from experience

to "shake it off" and go forward. But, as the Tao points

out, we need to be just as unaffected by compliments

as we are by criticism!

 

Why should that be? We all love compliments, right?

But compliments can be addictive and actually make

us more vulnerable to criticism, if we depend on them

for positive reinforcement. Because, as the Tao says,

we are depending on the opinion of others and

departing from our center. Our self esteem should rise

up out of the center of ourselves, in our confidence

that we are doing our best, and that we're just fine.

 

Compliment addiction can also distract us from our

purpose in life if we begin to do what we know will

bring compliments rather than doing what we know

is truly ours to do. Look at the lives of the people

who have really accomplished something magnificent

and you will see that they had to be indifferent to both

criticism and compliments to pursue their dream.

They stayed true to their center.

 

From a gratitude standpoint we can be equally

grateful for compliments and criticism, seeing each

as an input that we can examine and, if we choose,

use as feedback to improve. But if we use either one

to determine how we feel about ourselves, then

we're in trouble.

 

Is there anything in your life that you're not doing

because of potential criticism? Is there anything

that you are doing that you'd rather not, but you

don't want to give up the compliments? That's

something to think about.

 

~Wes Hopper~

 

Prayer

“Lord, enlighten what is dark in me; strengthen what is weak in me; mend what is broken in me; bind what is bruised in me; and revive whatever peace and love that has died in me.” Amen.

 

 

-prayer shared by Fr. Jerry Orbos